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Letter to My Absent Father

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Letter to My Absent Father

Letter to My Absent Father

Josh McCumber writes the last letter he’ll ever write to his absentee father, informing him that it’s time to find some closure in their relationship.

Dear Dad,

Letter to My Absent FatherYou and my mother divorced when I was a toddler and I never developed any childhood memories of you. My mother moved on and married again (four more times, actually). My step-fathers were never really father figures and always seemed like outsiders that never really took ownership of me. Growing up as a boy, I longed to have you in my life and as I grew older I became more aware of a deep-seeded hurt and frustration. I had a lot of questions and judgmental thoughts that ran through my mind, especially when Father’s Day came. In my twenties, I tried to be very busy on Father’s Day because if I stopped and thought about it too long I could bring myself to tears with questions of “Why?”

Now I am in the latter half of my thirties and I am a father to a son of my own. I have noticed that since becoming a father, Father’s Day has taken on a new meaning. I have also noticed that the last couple of years I have not ruminated on your sins against me. This year, I made a decision that I have forgiven you—I have let it go. I sometimes wonder if other men and women with absent fathers like you have ever looked for reasons to move on. I wanted to share with you why I am choosing to move on.

You were not a bad father. For years, all I could think was that you did not want me and that if you were around at least you could teach me something. You could play catch with me. You could help me figure out how to talk to the pretty girl in class. You could tell me that my first wet dream was normal. You could explain how to hide an erection in the fifth grade when I had to get up in front of class and write out a math problem on the board. The last couple of years I have seen the other side of the coin. In other words, I may have missed out on the positive aspects of having a father around, but I also missed out on the negative aspects of having a father around. I was not raised with the influence of a father that was a womanizer, an abuser, or an addict—-though you may have been any or all of those things. By your absence I was spared learning a template of what a father was but shouldn’t be. I could draw a parallel with you being an absentee father and others who lost their fathers in accidents or wars. In short, not having a father is probably better than having a bad father. So, I choose to let your absence go.

I learned how important a father is. I went to Boy Scout camp-outs alone. I never had a dad on the sideline of the soccer field coaching me or cheering me on. I never got to skip school for a surprise father-son day. On my wedding day, you weren’t there to tell me not to wear a banana hammock under my suit on the way to the honeymoon. You weren’t there to help me deal with our first miscarriage. I worried whether I would ever be a father after our second and third miscarriages; I wondered what you would say if you were there.

All of these situations have proven to me how valuable a father’s love, encouragement, and wisdom can be in the everyday moments of life. My conviction, my mission, to be a nurturing father fuels anger when I come across fathers who are so casual about their parenting responsibilities, so dismissive of their opportunities to connect with their children. Your absence has made my hearing very sensitive to the calling I have as an active and responsible parent. So, I choose to let your absence go.

Insecurity has motivated me to push myself and find myself. Because you were not there to help figure out what it means to be a man, for a long time I questioned whether or not I was doing this man-thing right. There was a void in my identity and I was quick to compare myself to other men and either be critical of them or too hard on myself. I pushed myself to accomplish goals in spite of your absence. I was the first to graduate high school the traditional way by walking at a graduation ceremony; I was the only one to join the military; I was the first to graduate college. Somewhere along this journey, I realized that it was okay to be a good man and a good father, even if I didn’t get to see you be one. Over the years, I have come to the conclusion that being a man to me means the pursuit of integrity and having accountability with my relationships. In hindsight, typing these words seems ironic as I set out to be exactly what I thought I needed from you. I now realize that I was expecting something from you that you did not have to give. So, I choose to let your absence go.

Letter to My Absent FatherI am a nurturing parent and loving father. Even if I have experienced negative consequences because of your absence, I have somehow still become a successful father and family man. I did not end up poor, in prison, or on drugs, and I do not abuse my family. My son asks me why he does not know you and why you do not want to be his granddad. All I can say is that I love him and I will always be there for him; and, when he has kids, we will all play together and love each other. Having this type of relationship with my family is what really matters—not your sins against me. Why would I want to hold a grudge if all it did was take energy away from me that I could use to direct to my family? So, I choose to let your absence go.

By no means am I grateful to you for being absent. I am not. And, my choice to forgive is not because I no longer feel pain, or because I am justifying your choices. I grieve that I did not have a father growing up. Sometimes, I still grieve about you not being in my life now. It’s taken me years to realize, but now I know that I am not really grieving the loss of our relationship or the loss of your love. What I am really grieving is the loss of the father in my mind (and that is the father I now try to be to my child), not the person that you actually are. That may sound harsh, but I think it is the truth. I want you to know where ever you are that I choose to let go of your sins against me, of being absent. I think it may have inadvertently made me stronger and more attentive as a man, a husband, and a father.

Letting You Go,
Josh

♦◊♦

Originally appeared on TheNuturingFather.com; Images courtesy of the author

The post Letter to My Absent Father appeared first on The Good Men Project.


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